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Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Epic Rap Battle - Arnold Schwarzenneger Vs Sylvester Stallone

Arnold Schwarzenegger Vs. Sylvester Stallone
80's Action Hero Epic Rap Battle 





INT: A dilapidated outpost shack, illuminated by light which cuts
through the old building's walls. A beast of a man stands at the
entryway, a grimace smeared across his chiseled face.

"Why'd they send me into this rap battle?" Arnie snorts.

Without missing a beat, a man sitting at a desk with his back facing the camera
cocks his head towards Arnold and begins to stand up, facing his foe.

"Because some damn fool accused you of being the best." Stallone replies.

Arnold and Stallone come face to face, gripping each others fist as
Arnie says "Stallone! You son of a bitch!"

arnold schwarzenegger vs sylvester stallone epic rap battle

Begin!

They both speak gibberish. Tape stops. Rewind. Google translate. Begin!

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER:

Look, it's "Rambo" a vietnam war vet with an italian hobbit body and a face stung by hornets. This is where the Commandos play, not the junior set. Now take your toy knife, back to the carpet!

SYLVESTER STALLONE:

I don't deal with psychos, I put 'em away. Mess with me and I'll give you a
war you wouldn't believe, O.K.? You're a womanizing chump. Nothing but
a hog. I'm a writer, director, people love me I'm the underdog! 

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER:

Underdog? Ha! Just a Stallion from the pound. Wanna be the last action
hero? Stick around. I'm Conan, the Terminator, even killed a Predator.
Ask Bridget Nielson, I'm Arnold Schwarzenegger. 

SYLVESTER STALLONE:

Maybe twenty years ago, you Austrian oaf. Here, have another serving
of bratwurst and meat loaf.
 Yo Colonel, give this has been some
history!

COL. TRAUTMAN:

He can take on ten men, survive a nuke, hell, he can eat
food which would make a billy goat puke! 

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER:

That's a good one Troutman, haha, quiet! My mere appearance can cause a bodybuilding riot!
 You're a funny guy Sly, that's why I'll kill you last, cuz when this battle's over you'll need to kiss my muscled ass.
I'll snap your neck like a chicken, I'm numero uno. Your rhymes are shittier than Willis' Return of Bruno! Look at you, always whining in your movies life isn't fair, while I'm on Mars fighting Cohaaggen, "Give the people air!"

Stallone drops his weapon and the beat settles down. 

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER:

"What are you doing? C'mon, kill me! I'm right here, do it! What are
you waiting for?!"

*sad music begins* 

SYLVESTER STALLONE:

"I came here tonight, I didn't know what to expect. During this fight,
I've seen a lot of changing, the way yous feel about me, and in the
way I feels about you. I guess what I'm trying to say, is that if I can
change, and you can change, everybody can change!"

*Music Stops*

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER:

(Wiping tear from his eye)

Sly, that's ideas fantastic. We can only move forward if we team up together. If not, we're...The Expendables. 

SYLVESTER STALLONE:

Aye yo, I agree. I'll see you in the sequel, big guy.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER:

But you forgot one thing,

*beat resumes*

I'm a born politician, I'm paid to fake cry. Remember when I said I'd kill you
last?
(Pulls out Commando Rocket Launcher)

I lied.
(Rocket explodes towards screen and cuts to black.)